This past weekend I was sick as a dog, and my hubby feed me all these Carb infested soups all weekend long. (if you haven't wondered that sucks), because even though I had the stomach virus, I could of at least dropped a few pounds. Darn. But while I was sick I started thinking of Disappointments or should I say resentments, and I came to one of the biggest ones and that was my Dad.
I often wonder, am I this heavy because I have unresolved issues with my father. Am I using food to suppress or to fill some void? The sucky part is he is dead and have been for the past 23 years, so its not like I can ask him some questions for resolution now can I.... He died from two strokes and suffered a brain damage a couple days after Thanksgiving when I was 7. He was my Mom's sugar daddy, so leaving any monetary help or support for his youngest child (me) seemed not apparent. In hindsight that is OK, because I am the woman I am today, from the lack of support, but the bountifulness of support from my Grandmother, my Mother, and the rest of my family.
The crazy thing is that when he was alive, I felt some of the love even if he was drunk out of his mind. I am not big on a person that does not keep their word, and I remember my Dad saying he will always protect me, but that's not what happened. I wasn't protect from the ridicule from his wife, or the non ownership, denial or fabrication of his and I relationship. When you are not even mentioned in your own Dad's obituary talking about the meaning of acceptance, I believe that still today hurts me to my soul. My husband says you know that's not your Dad's doing, it was his wife, but I felt like he didn't protect or took care of me like he did his wife and their children. He didn't call to tell me he Loved me, he only came by, I believe to keep tabs on my mom, but I would like to ask that question, did you ever care or love me truly? My mom would take up for him even now, but I believe that is because she doesn't want me to have malice or hatred for him in my heart for him. The ironic thing is, I think I already do.
It seems when you go through some of life's biggest moments, you perhaps start to think about things that you thought were suppressed, gone, non-existent, or buried. Whelp, that's what happened to me when I was planning our wedding. I started to think about my Dad, a lot. Things like, if he was alive I wonder would we be struggling & sacrificing to pay for our wedding, since my husband and I paid for it mainly ourselves and the father of the bride traditionally pays for it all? Would he have wanted to walk me down the isle, or to say a toast at the reception? Would he had protected from the rumors, the stress, or the drama? Only he would know???
I wonder do disappointments linger on, or at some point we are suppose to get over them and live life? I guess at 30, I am learning just that concept with dealing with my Dad. I am starting to believe that disappointments come with forgiveness and that is a true fact that I am struggling to work on. I thought I forgave him previously but I am learning that's not the case. But at last I have realized that the quicker I forgive the healthier physically and mentally I will become. Do you have any disappointments in your life, that need forgiveness???? Share them, I would love to read them. ~~
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